Credit: Adobe Stock_580318750
My son was bullied at school last year. Relentlessly all year long by the same group of classmates including one he had truly thought was his friend. A daily conversation on the way home from picking him up would be, “How were things with [classmates’ names] today?”
Whenever he shared a hurtful exchange that he experienced, we would comfort him, give him measured counsel and ask if it was something that warranted us stepping in, and he always told us no. While remaining concerned, we respected that choice and his autonomy to try to navigate the uncertain and ever changing elementary school social dynamics. At the same time, we continued to probe for better understanding of what was happening and to assess whether any element of his safety was at risk.
Indeed it did get to the point where we had to intervene and elevate the situation not only to his teacher, but to the administration and, after a woefully inadequate response by the administration, to the district.
The administration failed him.
Refusing to classify what he experienced as bullying but instead as “extreme conflict” with the insinuation that his efforts to stand up to them and call them out for being continuously hurtful was an indication of his contribution to conflict versus as the brave and developmentally appropriate responses that they were.
Rather than demonstrate advocacy and the establishment of safety for my child, the administration sought to deny his experience and in the process, tried to gaslight my son, my husband and I that what he had been subjected to repeatedly wasn’t in fact bullying. They, effectively, were bullying us.
Bullying, as defined by the prevention curriculum the school is now newly implementing is, “mean or hurtful behavior that keeps happening.” (1)
The number one factor cited by estranged adult children for their decision to estrange from their parents is toxicity, defined as, “continuous situations of hurtfulness, anger, cruelty or disrespect.” (2)
See a similarity?
What recourse do children have when their bullies are their own families? Who helps them understand that what they are experiencing by the people who are supposed to be their safe harbor is in fact bullying? Where do they turn for an advocate to remove them from harm's way and to educate those who are harming them so that they stop doing so? To whom do they turn when there is no one who provides emotional safety?
Those of us who initiated estrangement understand that too often, there is no one but ourselves. We understand that what happens is that child becomes an adult who has had to very painfully figure all this out on their own - all while continuing to experience the same bullying behaviors.
For many, the hurtful behavior was systemic within our families of origin extending from parents to siblings and potentially other family members as well.
Researcher and therapist Rebecca C Mandeville, MFT, has identified this as a phenomenon she has coined Family Scapegoat Abuse.
“The ‘scapegoat’ is one of the roles unconsciously ‘assigned’ to a child growing up in a dysfunctional or narcissistic family system. The scapegoating of a particular family member typically (but not always) begins in childhood and often continues into and throughout adulthood.
Because family scapegoating processes can be insidious and subtle, many adult survivors do not realize that they are suffering from a most egregious (and often chronic) form of systemically-driven psycho-emotional bullying and abuse, with all of the painful consequences to body, mind and spirit.” (3)
When children are the targets of bullies at school or otherwise by their peers, it is sometimes counseled to them that the bully may have a troubled home life and are projecting that conflict onto them - their scapegoat for their unexpressed pain. The family system is the same phenomenon but one for which the targeted child has no place or person in whom to find relief or safety from the abuse.
And because they are a child and have no other reference for family behavior, the child internalizes the abuse and bullying as being a result of their own personal deficiencies. Indeed, the “scapegoated child is invariably portrayed as faulty and defective, deserving of the family’s hostility and unworthy of love and inclusion.” (4)
It is catastrophic to self esteem and self worth and, to reference a related educational series article, to developing a sense of mattering. As an adult, the scapegoated family member spends the rest of their lives deconstructing the internal schemas and survival mechanisms that developed as a result of the treatment they received from their own family.
Credit: Adobe Stock_701855749
The “3 R’s” of bullying prevention that school curricula teach are to Recognize the bullying, Refuse to be bullied and to Report the bullying to an adult who can intervene especially if the bullying has put the target in some level of danger and/or the bully refuses to stop their behavior after being confronted that they are being hurtful.
For the scapegoated child, there is no responsible adult to report the bullying to when the bullies are their own parents and the family environment that those parents established. Many do not recognize they are actually being bullied until well into adulthood. Estrangement is the final act of the scapegoat in refusing to continue to be bullied.
The human psyche cannot withstand such constant battering of low or zero regard by those that are, by all societal measures, the ones who are supposed to not only be a source of emotional safety but a haven against the outside world.
A fourth R that is inherent within that anti-bullying curriculum, but not directly stated in the 3 Rs because three is most effective to teach, is Respect. Teaching the person engaging in the hurtful behavior to respect what they are told by the other person that what they are doing is in fact hurtful - regardless if they felt it actually was - and to then stop that behavior.
The eradication of bullying- whether in schools or families - is simply an act of listening and caring - and then respecting the other person by CHANGING behavior that person finds to be harmful.
Our parents and siblings know when they are being hurtful. The lack of empathy for the harm they inflict and the lack of respect to stop the behavior is inherent to the lack of maturity of the individual as well as the dysfunction within the family system.
“Scapegoating in a family setting can have profound effects on sibling relationships and the overall relationship dynamics within a given household.” (5)
The dysfunction of the family system can become much more pronounced and apparent after the enactment of boundaries leading up to the establishment of full estrangement. It is at those points where the defensive and retaliatory escalation of abusive behaviors of the parents and family can enter a realm of being irreparable to the relationship.
As part of that retaliation, the dysfunctional parents/ family members often engage in smear campaigns of the scapegoat involving contortion of the family narrative.
It becomes a process whereby these families/parents “bend the details of the past to meet their distortions of the present” in order to create an ever changing version of reality (confabulated) that is based on their attempts to control the narrative and continually point the finger at the scapegoat for the family problems and dysfunction. (6)
Credit: Kirsten Alberts Counseling
Our healing comes first and foremost from removing ourselves from that “mean or hurtful behavior that keeps happening.”
It comes from building our own safe space within our families of choice and creation where we construct supportive and respectful relational dynamics where bullying behavior is never allowed to take root.
For my son, he was removed through our advocacy from having to share a classroom this year with those who had bullied him the previous.
It is the betrayal of the administration and their failure to appropriately identify and categorize what he was experiencing that remains his biggest and remaining wound - the one that may end up being the predominant scar that results. The adults who were supposed to be his source of safety while entrusted to their care demonstrated that there were very significant and impactful ways in which they were not.
Those of us who have had the bullying experience within our own families, and have had to walk away because of it, certainly know what it is to have our trust eradicated by those who are supposed to be THE ultimate source of safety. Unfortunately for many of us, there was no one to turn to re-establish that safety and we learned to rely only on ourselves.
Both the interpersonal and family relational environment is the responsibility of parents to establish and maintain with their children. In healthy systems, when there are recurring conflicts and tensions, parents recognize that it is on them to be aware and to make the appropriate adjustments to either their behavior or the family dynamic - or both - to create safety and maintain connection.
Whether or not we engaged in rounds of attempted direct communication with our parents to convey our feelings and needs for the relationship, they conveyed their inability to receive that information or to be attuned to the dysfunctional relationship dynamic through the continuation and/or escalation of their abuse. That behavior, and that of the same from other family members, was the confirmation that estrangement was the only remaining solution.
Bullying is bullying wherever it derives and it is never okay. We, estranged adult children, Recognize it and have Refused to allow it to continue. Consider the estrangement the definitive Report.
For more on Rebecca C. Mandeville, LMFT, CCTP and her work around Family Scapegoat Abuse, visit her website at https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com or check out her book Rejected, Shamed and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role.
[Please note: My son gave his permission to share his story. I respect his story as being his and would never share it without receiving his permission to do so.
This article is a reflection on the annual observance of October Bullying Prevention Month and its intersection with family estrangement. The educational columnist is not a licensed mental health professional. The articles under this series are written from a peer to peer perspective.]
Sources:
Second Step,org. “Bullying and prevention unit for kindergarten through grade 5.” https://assets.ctfassets.net/98bcvzcrxclo/5FCtmMmIk86mm8iQ86mSek/070829f532f0de3d08617399ce90acd5/BPU_Scope_and_Sequence.pdf
Carr, Kristen; Holman, Amanda; Abetz, Jenna; Koenig Kellas, Jody; and Vagnoni, Elizabeth, "Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Comparing Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Non-matched Sample" Journal of Family Communication (2015). DOI: 10.1080/15267431.2015.1013106
Mandeville, Rebecca C, MFT. “What is Family Scapegoating?” October 12, 2024. https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/what-is-family-scapegoating-abuse
Mandeville, Rebecca C, MFT. Rejected, Shamed and Blamed. Help and Hope For Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role. 2020. ISBN: 9798680119433.
Mandeville, Rebecca C, MFT. “Sibling Estrangement in Families who Scapegoat.” familyscapegoathealing@substack.com. October 19, 2024.
Hype R Vigilance VI. Tik Tok creator. https://www.tiktok.com/@smokingandthinking6
Comments