And developing the emotional agility we were never taught
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A TikTok creator and therapist recently asked a question of parents - “Why is it so difficult for so many parents to take accountability for hurtful things they say to their children?”
Unsurprisingly, the responses primarily include sentiments of “what about the children saying hateful things to their parents” among other similarly deflective dismissals of the question.
What these responders don’t seem to grasp is that such comments point directly back to the quality of the relationship they established with their children. Something for which THEY were singularly responsible as well as modeling healthy and respectful relational interactions in the ways in which they, as parents, responded.
Another common retort among estranged parents for why they are not responsible for the failed status of the relationship is “they are adults now and are responsible for their part.”
It’s as if they believe there is a magic transition for their children - be it attainment of a certain age or milestone such as a professional job or marriage - at which point the past no longer has any bearing upon the relationship in the now.
A demarcation wherein somehow the relationship dynamics transform from what had been established - by them - throughout that child’s life and where now in their adulthood the “playing field” as it were, is suddenly even. Now miraculously absent of any relational power dynamics or ingrained behavioral patterns.
Whether they actually believe this to be true or are knowingly using the excuse as a manipulative “get out of jail free” card, the effect is the same. Denial of the lived experience of their children and their unabated role as parents in creating and maintaining the untenable relationship dynamics.
Many times this is a foundational deficit in the relationship stemming back from infancy and the type of attachment that the parent - most often necessarily at this stage the mother - establishes with their child.
There is a reason there is a phenomenon known as “the mother wound.”
The term refers to deep, enduring scars that derive from insufficient emotional connection or nurturing from a mother - an overall lack of mothering or of adequate mothering. A profound experience of emotional neglect. It is something that can show up intergenerationally - passed down from mother to child for generations.
The mother wound is inflicted when a mother tends to her child’s physical and other tangible needs, but neglects and/or outright rejects their emotional needs. They may seem like a doting mother, but the child feels entirely bereft of true connection or support and often has nowhere to turn to receive the validation, love and connection they need.
What then results is attachment trauma that becomes deeply rooted in that child’s psyche - instilling beliefs of being unloved, unworthy and of not mattering. If this same lack of regard is picked up and carried along by the other parent/caregiver as well as siblings, the attachment trauma becomes even more ingrained.
When a mother hasn’t processed and worked to heal from their own traumas or recognized the traumas that had been passed down to them by their mothers, they add to and compound what gets carried forward to their own children. The result is a significantly impaired ability to establish an authentic, secure attachment.
That primary attachment between mother and child is so critical - whether with biological mother, adoptive or a primary caregiver of any gender - because of the complete dependence of that infant, toddler, child upon that caregiver. That attachment sets the stage for everything that follows and whether that child has a safe harbor from which to explore and discover themself.
When presented with the truth of the parent’s responsibility for the quality of the relationship and the importance of early attachment, it is often the argument by the emotionally immature parent that, “Well, no one is perfect. We did our best. Children don’t come with instruction manuals.”
The reality is, even without factoring that no one expects a perfect parent, it is known that perfection is nowhere near necessary for establishing a secure attachment. In reality, a mother (or parent/primary caregiver) only needs to be “good enough” and at that, only good enough 30 percent of the time. (1)
It truly is among the lowest of bars to reach.
Consider that a score of 60% on a test would be just barely above failing. Yet a primary caregiver can deliver much, much lower than that in respect to accurately attending to their child’s attachment needs and still be “good enough” to establish that connected bond that then sets the foundation for other relationships in the child’s life.
“‘What matters as much as (if not more than) the natural capacity to be in sync, is the capacity to repair out-of-syncness so as to reestablish optimal connection.” Diana Fosha, psychotherapist
Repair. It invariably comes back to repair and the ability of the parent - in this case, the mother/primary caregiver - to be attuned enough to the child to recognize when it is needed and to be mature enough to provide it - but that attunement needs to only be 30% of the time. Clearly, more attunement is better, but the bare minimum to be effective is pretty bare.
It is that repair from “out-of-syncness” that establishes safety and thus the close connectedness of secure attachment. Or at the very least, in the good enough range, the demonstration to the child that repair and return to connectedness is somewhat reliably possible.
The ways in which that primary attachment formed in infancy and early childhood establishes the way that child views and forms other relationships throughout their life.
Someone like myself with a disorganized attachment learned they couldn’t trust their caregiver(s) - their mother was sometimes there for them emotionally but most often not. It’s a relationship based on sporadically and unpredictably receiving the tiniest slivers of accurate response. Well below even the 30% good enough threshold. They learn not to seek or expect it and develop hyper-independence. As a result, as adults those individuals yearn for close relationships but are intensely afraid to enter into them.
Those with ambivalent attachment, on the other hand, may develop dependency and enmeshment based upon their intense need for the closeness they never received. This can result in anxiety over the state of a relationship and manifestations of jealousy.
“To feel that you aren’t important to your mother leaves a hole. It’s a hole where Mother was supposed to be.” There are then a series of holes that develop: “The hole in the sense of self that results from being undermothered. The hole left by feeling unloved, the hole in your confidence that results from a lack of encouragement and praise, the sense of not belonging anywhere and the hole of feeling homeless, even among others.” (2)
Whether or not we are now parents and at risk of further passing along these wounds to our own children, part of our work for ourselves involves tending to those holes that were left from the neglect, abuse and indifference from our mothers.
One of those holes might be the ability to understand and manage our own emotions as our primary model was entirely stunted and impaired in that regard. “Many people, much of the time, operate on emotional autopilot, reacting to situations without true awareness or even real volition.” (3)
In the mother wound scenario, our model had a near complete absence of emotional agility - the ability to process thoughts and emotions with flexibility to optimally leverage them in the moment and respond accurately.
Our model instead had emotional rigidity that manifested in defensiveness and reactivity. Lashing out, engaging in punitive behaviors and labeling our emotions as bad or wrong. Labeling us as bad, wrong, or overly sensitive for having and expressing them. Forcing us to stuff them down and suppress them and thus create an abandonment and dissociation from our true selves.
We have the ability now though, to develop that emotional agility our primary caregivers were deficient of and therefore incapable of teaching or modeling. To recognize that there are, in fact, no bad emotions. It is all simply valuable information. Information that can guide us to the optimal - or even good enough - response if we give ourselves the space and learn the skills to allow them to inform us.
There are four “C’s” to emotional agility:
Having compassion towards both yourself and others. It is the ability to engage in empathy especially in the midst of difficult emotions and situations.
Displaying the courage to face those difficult emotions, leaning into the discomfort of hard conversations and acting in alignment with your own values - especially when you are being pressured in every way to abandon them.
Engaging in curiosity - not just about your emotions but, importantly, about others’ as well. Staying out of a place of judgement.
Being able to be connected to your own feelings and to be able to connect to others through being vulnerable with your emotions and receptive to theirs.
Like everything else, the destination is the journey and there are always ebbs and flows. Some days we may feel grounded and able to engage in the four C’s moderately well - and others completely deficient.
On those days, if we can employ the first C - compassion for ourselves - we can give ourselves the grace to keep at it. To then have the courage to view even those less than optimal responses as information that can be used upon which to improve.
The result will be that we are able to not only work on healing the mother wound within ourselves, we can prevent it from being carried forward whether in our families of choice or creation.
What is your emotional agility? Take this quiz and engage in your own exploration.
To identify your attachment style, this quiz may provide some insights.
Women’s History Month Supplemental
Recognizing the women who have made significant contributions to our understanding of mental and emotional health and relational dynamics.
Attachment theory: Credit as being the “father of attachment theory” typically goes to John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst. However, his concept of tracing behavioral patterns back to early childhood and the lifelong impact of those early bonds was co-developed and expanded upon by his colleague Mary Ainsworth, an American-Canadian developmental psychologist, feminist and army veteran.
It was her design of the “Strange Situation” procedure where infants and mothers would be observed interacting with each other before, during and after the introduction of a stranger into the dynamic that led to the establishment of the initial three main attachment styles: secure, ambivalent and avoidant. Two other female researchers, Mary Main and Judith Solomon, further contributed to that work with the identification of disorganized attachment.
The Mother Wound: The term “mother wound” was coined by psychologist Bethany Webster. She contends that the mother wound is a product of patriarchy. As a projection of the mother’s unhealed wounds on her children - most specifically on a daughter - it is the result of generations of both intimate and systemic oppression at the hands of patriarchal cultures. It manifests in the mother serving as a vessel of that oppression.The result is an inability of the daughter to individuate, leading her to also serve as an oppressed tool of the patriarchy and which then continues to be perpetuated forward generation after generation.(4)
Emotional Agility: The framework of emotional agility was popularized by Susan David, a South African psychologist, speaker and author. Her Ted Talk on “The gift and power of emotional courage” has received over 11 million views. It is a skillset that is important not only in interpersonal relationships but across all relationships and areas of life. It has been characterized as “an essential prerequisite in optimizing learning.” In this respect, “how we manage our inner world - thoughts, feelings, self-image - is what determines how successful we will be.” (5)
Credit: @themotherwound, Bethany Webster
[Please note: The educational series columnist is not a licensed mental health professional. The articles under this series are written from a peer to peer perspective.]
Sources:
Solomon, Diane. “What does it mean to be a good enough parent?” Psychology Today. July 16, 2024.
Cori, Jasmin Lee. the emotionally absent mother. How to recognize and heal the invisible effects of childhood emotional neglect. 2010, 2017. The Experiment, LLC. ISBN 978-1-61519-382-0
David, Susan. Emotional Agility.Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life. 2016. Penguin Random House. ISBN 9781592409495
Webster, Bethany. “The most insidious forms of patriarchy pass through the mother.” BethanyWebster.com.
Stefan, Mihaela Aurelia. “Emotional agility - an essential prerequisite in optimizing learning.” 2023. Annals of the University of Craiova, Series Psychology- Pedagogy. DOI: 10.52846/AUCPP.2023.1.14
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