A new study conducted in the UK of over 3,600 adults ranging from ages 18-25, found that nearly half of LGBTQ+ adults are estranged from at least one family member. LGBTQ+ adults are twice as likely as non-LGBTQ+ adults to say they are not close with their immediate family.
While this may not be surprising, it is a quantitative amount to the experiences that many of us face in this community.
Why are LGBTQ+ adults more likely to face family estrangement?
Many children fear that they would not be accepted by their parents, siblings, and relatives if they came out. Out of the 3,695 adults who participated in the study, one third reported that they are “not confident” that their parent or guardian would accept their identity.
Coming out is so challenging when you are faced with the possibility of rejection. Many families who reject their child’s identities may do so due to how it goes against the “family myth.”
The family myth is the way a family creates a joint identity, assuming compatibility, shared goals, and similar values. The myth makes the family assume that everyone is the same and loves each other because of that.
These myths are characterized by ‘we’ statements. For example, “We believe that the ultimate goal to get married and have children,” or “We believe that marriage is only right if it is between a man and a woman.” While these examples are more specific to challenges for LGBTQ+ people, there are ‘we’ statements that can be about other values or ideals, as estrangement is not always due to a family not accepting one’s identity.
Families with a strongly held myth will not tolerate ideas or identities that stray away from the narrative that already exists. If the collective identity is threatened by one member’s difference, the family either accepts and alters their views or casts out the individual.
Being LGBTQ+ and facing estrangement can look very different for each individual. For me, I didn’t realize I was queer and non-binary until after I was estranged. I had no space to look inside and consider my identity while I was growing up because I was too consumed with surviving the abuse I was faced with. After my estrangement and some healing, questions started popping up in my head about the way I felt and how I identified. I have also spoken to others with a similar experience. It seems my estrangement was almost unrelated to my queer identity because I was unaware of it until afterward.
However, many people’s estrangement stories start with them coming out to their family and being rejected. I can only imagine how hard that experience could be.
But whatever your experience may be, it is important to remember that you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with however you identify. Estrangement is unbelievably hard, but it also allows for opportunity to choose to add people into your life who support your identities.
‘Chosen family’ is often discussed in the LGBTQ+ community. While the narrative of having a ‘chosen family’ can seem to discount the complexities of estrangement and the grief that goes along with it, it is still important to find the people in your life that you are happy to be around and supported by. Chosen family may not ever be the perfect replacement (I don’t think a replacement exists), but it can provide safety, care, and a sense of home.
For me, I am still building my chosen family and my sense of home, and I try to be patient with how slowly this can progress. I know as long as I continue exploring myself and my identities, I will continue to find people that love and accept me just the way I am. I know it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows when facing these challenges, but hopefully with time it will get better.
***Disclaimer: Em is not a certified mental health professional. This article is written as peer-to-peer support for the Together Estranged Community. If you are having a psychiatric emergency, please seek professional help.
For more information on the UK Study read this article.
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