Estrangement: Healing the "Inner" Child
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The month of May is designated as Heal the Children month. It is an annual global observance focusing on creating awareness of children who have gone through or are undergoing serious medical or psychological issues or abuse. Estrangement is a journey that often starts with experiences in childhood of some level of maltreatment - be it physical, sexual, emotional or psychological or some combination thereof. The timing of the decision to estrange from family naturally varies and can take cyclical routes, but invariably has the commonality of a refusal on the part of parents or families to acknowledge or validate those experiences when brought to their attention by their adult child.
With the inauguration of a new educational series, Together Estranged will adapt the Heal the Children month theme to focus on pathways towards healing the inner child of those of us impacted by estrangement and recognizing the roots from where estrangement commonly grows.
Validation and understanding are often key components to the healing process. Throughout the month, TE will publish content to help provide both. Emotional abuse and neglect is the most prevalent form of maltreatment(1)- both its own, as well as a component of other forms of abuse as well. Yet, it tends to be not only one of the least recognized, there is resistance by some to acknowledge its existence, its impact and its role in family estrangement. Look for dedicated content this month illuminating emotional abuse and neglect, how it shows up in families and why it is so hard for society to recognize as valid.
In terms of prevalence, a worldwide meta-analysis estimated rates of 12.7% for sexual abuse, 16.3% for physical neglect, 18.4% for emotional neglect, 22.6% for physical abuse, and 36.3% for emotional abuse. (1)
The theme of “breaking the cycle” is also commonly seen in articles and social media spaces concerned with toxic family systems and/or healing from being raised by emotionally immature parents. This month, TE will also provide background on family systems theory, the multigenerational transmission phenomenon and its role in shaping family dynamics, and the process of family relational mapping as a tool towards understanding our own individual stories.
Another tool in the toolbox of healing from our dysfunctional families and experiences is inner child work. When we are estranged from our families, underneath that many times is the unfinished business of our childhood experiences and the refusal of our families to meaningfully engage with us as we process those experiences to make way for who we are today based on, or in spite of, what happened to us as children. Oftentimes we are estranged precisely because of that refusal and the defensive behaviors that emerge from our parents/families in effort to deflect from engaging with us in processing those experiences or discussing how we want things to change within the relationship in the here and now, so it falls to us to do the work of processing our childhoods ourselves.
Finding and acknowledging those parts of ourselves that were wounded as children and who still live inside our adult selves engaging in protective behaviors we may not be aware of and that impact how we interact in our daily lives can be a powerful part of that work. There are many types of therapy modalities that can be helpful for those estranged from their families, such as trauma informed therapy, EMDR and somatic therapy, and among those that specifically addresses the inner child is Internal Family Systems (IFS).
IFS is a recognized and proven therapeutic approach that can be done individually through the application of books or self-guided online programs or through working with an IFS-certified therapist. It is based on the idea that the psyche itself is a system composed of different parts and this system makes up our internal environment. The purpose of many of these parts within our psyche are for protection against pain. There can be “exiled” parts that are the young child still in pain from events and experiences of the past that still reside inside but have been banished by other “protector” parts that want to shield the conscious self from reliving those experiences.
The process of IFS can allow us to find and reintroduce ourselves to those exiled parts with curiosity and openness rather than judgment or shame and then eventually to reintegrate what we may have lost of ourselves along the way. It can also help us recognize our “protector” parts that have developed in response to our experiences as children and which may be employing tactics that served us as children, but no longer serve us in our lives as adults in the same way. We can learn to adapt those protective practices - not losing them or rejecting them entirely, as they were and are valuable tools born out of necessity - but evolving them to better serve us in the here and now. IFS is not the only modality that can help uncover these exiles and protectors or allow us to access our wounded inner child, but may be one to explore if the idea is one that resonates. There is no one modality that will resonate with everyone or be appropriate for one’s specific experiences and needs. Don’t be afraid to explore or feel obligated to stay with a therapist or modality that isn’t working for you and your healing journey.
Ultimately, however we each decide to approach it, reclaiming and healing our inner child can be an important part of our individual journeys to heal ourselves as well as towards learning how to establish new practices and philosophies to guide the parenting of our own children and thus can be part of breaking the cycle of dysfunction. We are not defined by the dysfunction of our families but rather informed and supported by our resilience and courage to fully examine ourselves and our families of origin in the endeavor to be better for ourselves and our own families of choice and of creation. Our inner children and protectors - all the various manifestations of them - are proud of us.
Here are just a few of the resources available to help find your inner child/children, invite them to heal and welcome them home:
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/07/13/the-wounded-inner-child/
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/03/01/healing-your-wounded-inner-child/
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/inner-child-healing#takeaway
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/internal-family-systems-therapy
https://www.amazon.com/No-Bad-Parts-Restoring-Wholeness/dp/1683646681
https://www.amazon.com/Introduction-Internal-Family-Systems-Model/dp/0972148000
Be on the lookout this month for additional articles in this series around "Healing the [Inner] Child" on the topics of family systems and relationship mapping and on emotional maltreatment. New articles will be announced via Together Estranged's social media platforms. Feel free to engage there on the article topics. Share what has helped you in your journey to find and heal your inner child. The mission of Together Estranged is to provide support, empowerment and community among those estranged from their families as well as to help break the stigma around estrangement - so please add your voice!
[Please note: The educational columnist is not a licensed mental health professional. The articles under this series are written from a peer to peer perspective.]
Source:
1: Gama, C.M.F., Portugal, L.C.L., Gonçalves, R.M. et al. “The invisible scars of emotional abuse: a common and highly harmful form of childhood maltreatment.” BMC Psychiatry 21, 156 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-021-03134-0