Heal the “Inner” Child Month (Article 3)
The relationship of emotional abuse & neglect
to family estrangement
"The ax never remembers, the tree never forgets"
Painting by Maria Bertosh. Used with permission.
The final article within the May “heal the [inner] child” series, addresses the topic of emotional abuse and neglect, why it is among the most relevant components underlying estrangement and why society compounds the deleterious impact by failing to recognize it.
Emotional abuse is the most experienced form of childhood maltreatment and, when combined with emotional neglect, reflects a prevalence rate of 55% for emotional-related harm done to children.(1) Consider that these are reported rates while the vast majority of cases of child maltreatment and neglect go unreported and that gives some perspective on how widespread the phenomenon of emotional maltreatment is while being hidden within the fabric of society and family life.
Verbal abuse, which is what emotional abuse or neglect equates to whether overt or covert, is not only often not understood as abuse, but is even normalized to such an extent that it goes unrecognized within families until much later into adulthood if ever at all. In fact, many of the published studies and papers use the term “invisible” in reference to emotional trauma because, unlike physical abuse, physical neglect or sexual abuse, there are no identifiable bodily markers or indications of the damage inflicted which contributes to it being dismissed, negated, minimized or even justified.
Here are some definitions as found in the academic research:
“Emotional neglect can be defined as a relationship pattern in which an individual’s affectional needs are consistently disregarded, ignored, invalidated or unappreciated by a significant other. Emotional neglect occurs as parental rejection, feeling unloved and [having] emotionally unavailable parents to name a few.
Emotional maltreatment is broadly defined as a repeated pattern of caregiver’s behavior or incidents that convey to children that they are flawed, unloved, unwanted or of value only in meeting another’s needs. Emotional maltreatment is a core component underlying all forms of child maltreatment, with a high rate of co-occurrence with other forms of abuse, that has equivalent, if not greater, consequences than childhood experiences of physical and/or sexual abuse. Emotional maltreatment encompasses both acts of commission (emotional abuse) and acts of omission (emotional neglect). A growing body of research suggests that many otherwise healthy families raise their children with emotional neglect—a failure to value or respond to emotions” (2)
“Certain facets of emotional abuse, such as constant swearing, yelling, criticism or humiliation of a child, are easily noticeable, but others, such as unrealistic expectations or unreasonable demands on the child, or unfair treatment because of certain characteristics (e.g. physical disability, or appearance), are not always recognized. In some cases, these less apparent facets of emotional abuse may arise out of the childhood or lived experience of parents, caregivers, teachers and others, but nonetheless still cause (unintended) harm to the child. Emotional neglect, defined usually as a failure to attend to the child’s emotional needs, can also be difficult to spot and quantify.” (3)
"Emotional neglect is when a parent fails to see, know or understand their child as they really are, rather than through the lens of what the parent thinks they are or wants them to be." (2)
The characterization of emotional maltreatment as occurring within “otherwise healthy families” is what makes it so much more subtle, nuanced, insidious and overlooked than what is culturally accepted to be qualified as abuse. These are children and families that show no outward signs of discontent or harmful circumstances, rather they show all the signs of being well cared for with parents who are supportive and even doting. Add to this certain accepted and dominating parenting practices (IE authoritarian) and/or religious expectations around parent/child dynamics (“honor thy mother and father”), and the harmful impact of these practices, attitudes and behaviors go not only unrecognized but adamantly defended.
Further, because the maltreatment cannot be easily cited as specific incidents but rather exists as a pervasive component of the relational dynamic, it is even more difficult to identify and describe to outside parties. For the estranged person, it becomes the “death by a thousand paper cuts” scenario that seems impossible to justify in the face of cultural expectations around the permanence and sanctity of parental and family bonds.
To add insult to injury, the adult child often struggles even with coming to the realization that what they have been and are experiencing within the relationship is, in fact, definitively harmful. As noted by Peg Streep in Verbal Abuse, “Recognition is slow because even as the adult child begins to confront the truth of his/her parent’s treatment, s/he still needs and wants their love and support and remains hopeful that somehow there will be a way of getting it. The hopefulness is also fed by a steady stream of normalization and denial, and even more important, a general cultural misunderstanding about what constitutes abuse.” (4)
So how does this connect with estrangement and to the inner child?
Kylie Agllias, a social work academic and researcher well known for her work on the topic of estrangement says this, “A sense of long-term disconnection in childhood has been described as a precursor to estrangement in adulthood. This disconnection may be characterized by a lack of early attachment experiences, a feeling of ‘not belonging’ to family, and a distinct lack of attention or actual presence by the parent or parents. This disconnection is often experienced as ‘being the odd one out’ during adolescence and adulthood and ‘seeing things differently’ to one’s parents (including values, beliefs and ideas).” (5)
Because of the insularity of any one child’s experience within their family, they do not have the resources to identify what is wrong and will internalize the pain they suffer. Through all of this, the inner child remains deeply wounded, confused and isolated. It takes years of inner work to overcome the self-blame that the child will take upon themselves for the relational difficulties and to recognize that those that were supposed to be the source of safety and comfort were in fact the opposite. For those of us who eventually estrange, it takes longer still to decide what is personally necessary to address the unabating harmful relationship dynamics and come to the determination that removing ourselves from our families is the last, best option in the face of refusals to acknowledge the issue and/or change behaviors.
Compounding the trauma to the estranged family member is that upon finally identifying the cause of their long term distress within the parental/familial relationship & taking action for their own healing, they often find that extended family as well as society at large will not accept their experiences or their action to estrange as valid. In combination with the normalization and denial of verbal/emotional abuse, the “invisibility” of emotional trauma further extends to the cultural blind eye that is given to parents as perpetrators of the maltreatment and the burden of tolerance that is expected of the adult child to not disrupt social norms. The societal intolerance for breaking rigid family taboos and the discomfort of others towards those having chosen the path less traveled, adds further injury to the estranged individual leading many to feel the need to keep the estrangement quiet or to be guarded in sharing with others.
Nonetheless, for many of us who are estranged, a big part of the healing journey is the recognition of what truly constitutes maltreatment and tying that back to our individual experiences within our parent and family relationship dynamics, both past and present. Finding community with others that have had similar experiences can also be a big part of the validation, comfort and establishment of emotional safety to allow our wounded inner child to begin to take back, or in many cases find, our sense of self.
Here are some resources for further reading to help you understand and recognize what may be true for your own experiences:
Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting and Recovering, Peg Streep
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to heal from distant, rejecting or self-involved parents, Lindsay Gibson, PsyD
Lindsay and her work around emotionally immature parents is also featured in the May 28, 2024 episode of the Calling Home podcast with Whitney Goodman, LMFT
Rejected, Shamed and Blamed: Help and hope for adults in the family scapegoat role, Rebecca C Mandeville, MFT
A self test to determine if you were put into the scapegoat role in your family can be found here.
Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members, Sherrie Campbell, PhD
Running on Empty: Overcome your childhood emotional neglect, Dr. Jonice Webb
A questionnaire to assess if you have experienced childhood emotional neglect (CEN), can be found here.
If you haven’t already, be sure to sign up for the monthly Together Estranged support group and find space to share your own story and gain community and healing among others who have shared experiences. The moderated group sessions are usually held on the fourth Saturday of the month with registration opening the week before on the Together Estranged events page.
Special thank you to Maria Bertosh for permission to feature her powerful and compelling piece, "The axe forgets, the tree remembers," that accompanies this article. Check out more of her artistry at Instagram.
[Please note: The educational columnist is not a licensed mental health professional. The articles under this series are written from a peer to peer perspective.]
Sources:
Illustration, "The axe forgets, the tree remembers," by Maria Bertosh. Used with permission.
[Infographic] Gama, C.M.F., Portugal, L.C.L., Gonçalves, R.M. et al. “The invisible scars of emotional abuse: a common and highly harmful form of childhood maltreatment.” BMC Psychiatry 21, 156 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-021-03134-0
Mbuttia et al. “Building resilience: the invisible childhood neglect.” Children and Teenagers. Vol 3. No 2, 2020
Kumari, V. “Emotional abuse and neglect: time to focus on prevention and mental health consequences.” The British Journal of Psychiatry (2020) 217, 597–599. DOI: 10.1192/bjp.2020.154
Streep, P. Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, dealing, reacting and recovering. ISBN: 979-8-9872155-0-0. 2022
Agllias, K. Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective. Routledge. ISBN: 978-1-4724-5861-2. 2017