Forgiveness Series (Article 3)
In exploring the topic of forgiveness, conversations and discourse quickly reveals that there are as many definitions and practices as there are people, yet the term is thrown around as a universally understood balm that covers and soothes all wounds.
According to Wikipedia, “forgiveness, in a psychological sense, is the intentional and voluntary process by which one who may have felt wronged, victimized, harmed or hurt goes through a process in changing feelings and attitude regarding a given offender for his/her actions, and overcomes the impact of the offense, flaw or mistake including negative emotions such as resentment or a desire for vengeance… In some schools of thought, it involves a personal and ‘voluntary’ effort at the self-transformation of one’s own half of a relationship with another, such that one is restored to peace and ideally to what psychologist Carl Rogers has referred to as ‘unconditional positive regard’ towards the other.” (1) [emphasis added]
Let’s examine that definition and break it down into parts.
“Intentional,” “personal,” “voluntary”
It is deeply personal how any given person chooses to interpret or take on the journey of forgiveness against transgressors, yet there is a nearly unified cultural force-fed expectation placed upon the harmed to offer it. This is especially true in the case of family estrangement and, in particular, parent/adult child estrangement where the adult child - usually the initiator of the estrangement - is pressured to forgive their parent(s). That pressure to forgive often includes the expectation to reconcile because, “you only get one mother/father,” “life is too short” to exclude family and, “how will you feel when they are gone.”
These external pressures on the estranged person thus makes an act of forgiveness no longer strictly personal or voluntary when it is not, in fact, the result of a fully independent, intentional decision.
As Harriet Lerner says in her book, Why won’t you apologize?, “the word forgive is much like the word respect. It can’t be commanded or demanded or forced, or gifted for no reason at all.” She cites psychologist and author Janis Abrahms Springs who says, “You don’t restore your humanity when you forgive an unapologetic offender, he restores his humanity when he works to earn your forgiveness.” (2)
Whether or not the initiator of the estrangement feels that forgiveness - however they may define it for themselves - is part of their journey, it is a journey solely at their discretion to embark upon and navigate as is best for them.
“Changing feelings and attitude regarding a given offender” to
‘unconditional positive regard’”
The long term conflict, dysfunctional family system and/or abuse that led to the estrangement can often have the development of complex trauma as one of the lasting effects.
“Complex Trauma is defined as the exposure to multiple, often interrelated forms of traumatic experiences AND the difficulties that arise as a result of adapting to or surviving these experiences.
The adverse experiences encapsulated by Complex Trauma typically begin in early childhood, are longstanding or recurrent, and are inflicted by others. Most often they are perpetrated within a person’s formative attachment relationships. Sometimes they are compounded by patterns of risk and dysfunction afflicting generations of families.”(3)
Another way that complex trauma is described is as a continuum of chronic and highly distressing little "t" experiences over the course of years as opposed to identifiable big "T" events.
"When the invisible wounds are worse than the ones you can see, that’s complex trauma"
"Complex trauma is not a diagnosis, it is way more complicated than that"(5)
Coping and living with complex trauma becomes a lifelong exercise - whether or not there is a decision to actively address and work to heal from it. Coming from harmful or dysfunctional family systems, there is a long, often self-directed road of discovery before even recognizing or understanding that one has experienced complex trauma. Realizing the ways in which our sense of selves have been shaped by it is only a small part of the journey.
Achieving a level of understanding of those who perpetrated the harmful behavior can certainly be a key part of the inner work we do for ourselves, however, that does not mean that the ultimate end goal or conclusion is either a decision or ability to forgive.
Adding the burden to achieve “unconditional positive regard” for the person or persons who inflicted that harm - particularly if those people are unwilling to acknowledge that harm or put in the labor to repair - is something that should never be expected as part of the healing process by others or even ourselves.
Per Harriet Lerner, “Not everyone is capable of radical forgiveness, nor does everyone strive for it. There is nothing lesser or closed-hearted about the person who seeks alternative strategies for releasing themselves from life-draining anger, bitterness and pain.”
Before getting to a space of releasing anger, an important part of the healing process is allowing ourselves to feel anger over our experiences and the necessity to remove ourselves from cherished relationships in order to have the opportunity to even begin to heal. In culture, anger tends to be demonized as a sign of maladaptation or as a signal of not being healed, but it is necessary and informative.
Anger can change over time in its intensity and internal experience. It can be used to fuel the processes of transformation as well as be a driving force behind the implementation of new external behaviors and practices that serve as cycle breaking active healing. Anger is a crucial part of the healing process.
Our work of internal healing and transformation isn’t about specific intent to change our perspectives of those that harmed us. While an end result of that work may be an evolution of perspective, it need not result in positive or even neutral regard at its conclusion to be productive to our specific needs.
Expecting someone so deeply harmed to not only come to a place of compassion for their transgressor(s) but to also fully release the anger and hurt in order to achieve “positive regard” is not only unrealistic it is, in itself, harmful.
As Danya Ruttenberg says in her book On Repentance and Repair: Making Amends in an Unapologetic World, “it’s important to remember that compassion and forgiveness are not the same thing.”
Image Credit: https://www.craiyon.com/image/4eedSCA7Q6ecF4XbuRPZrg
“Self-transformation” to "overcome the impact" and “restore to peace”
There is also a widely held, and greatly harmful, fallacy that forgiveness is necessary to heal. Along with that belief is the judgment that we have to achieve some level of externally evaluated “healing” to be emotionally healthy, happy and functional in our lives and relationships, rather than an understanding that such deep hurts and betrayals may never fully heal, and that ongoing inner work is the legacy of the wounds inflicted.
One of the core conflicts of asserting forgiveness as a healing requirement is its focus on the other person - the transgressor(s). Healing is necessarily a process of focusing inward - on one’s own experiences and needs.
Says Lerner, “The conflating of letting go with forgiveness confounds much of what is written about the necessity to forgive... Many people use the word for an experience of letting go of a hurt over time. They’ve stopped obsessing about the injury, and when they recall the hurtful behavior of the offender, it has no emotional charge.”
The work has always been ours - the ones who estranged ourselves - to do the emotional labor in the relationship. That work has included everything from trying to find a way to exist within the relationship; desperately searching to figure out why it feels so awful to be in it and determine what must be wrong with us (and finding out that it wasn’t us); trying to work out how to maintain the relationship without losing ourselves in the process; engaging in distancing to see things more clearly and establish boundaries; all the way to the ongoing efforts to heal from the decision to ultimately walk away.
There has always been a very heavy and unreturned burden of emotional labor for those who get to the point of estrangement. It’s exhausting.
The emotional charges that build up over the course of time of putting in that labor and the resulting compounded hurt and anger over the lack of acknowledgement or engagement of the other party are significant. It is also not well understood by others.
Forgiveness can be whatever it is to each of us as part of the journey we have largely done on our own. The process of laying down and letting go of the emotional charge is as individual a journey as the definition of forgiveness.
If it works best for you to think of the letting go as forgiveness, that is a valid personal choice. If, however, that word and the expanded cultural associations tied to it are triggering, harmful or unproductive and/or there is deliberate choice to not forgive - that is perfectly valid, and equally effective, as well.
As Ruttenberg says, “For deep, indelible harm, forgiveness never needs to be part of the equation if it never feels like the right thing. And that lack of forgiveness does not mean that there has not been healing. Forgiveness and healing are not the same thing… Sometimes healing can come only by allowing oneself to not have to forgive, by understanding that there is no sin in not closing accounts with those who can never, ever repair the harm they have caused.”
For some, choosing the path of radical acceptance - the conscious effort to acknowledge and honor difficult and painful situations that cannot be changed - may be more productive than the path of forgiveness. For others, forgiveness and radical acceptance might equate to the same thing.
Whatever works best for each of us to functionally define what forgiveness means to us and its relevance to our own healing path, we need not adopt anyone else’s or succumb to cultural pressures at large.
Here are some tools or resources to consider along your own journey:
Trauma-informed Meditation - Offered by the CPTSD Foundation, this is a monthly zoom-based series of small group guided meditations dedicated to trauma survivors. Classes are free on a first come, first served basis.
Explore free, online learning opportunities:
The Art of Meditation, July 16-23 - Learn more about different meditation practices and traditions
Best of: Trauma Super Conference - July 8-14, 2024 A compilation and replay of most viewed interviews with known experts in the field of trauma - discover trauma healing perspectives and modalities that resonate for you.
Review the resources from organizations dedicated to complex trauma
Explore EMDR - a therapeutic practice to reprogram and reprocess traumatic memories. Severe emotional trauma takes a long time to heal - it suggested that this therapy has the potential to reduce the emotional charge more effectively than talk therapy. Everyone responds to therapies differently, EMDR may be one to explore in the trial and error process of finding what works for you.
Engage in your own internal processing methods - whether journaling, artistic expression, physical exercise, meditation or any combination thereof.
Community, community, community - Even the closest of friends and chosen family cannot fully understand the enduring pain of estrangement. Finding community with those who do is essential. Check out Together Estranged’s monthly support groups and look for other sources of community support.
“How do you find peace when the hurt you’ve suffered will never be acknowledged or repaired by the person who inflicted it? The answer is as simple as the challenge is daunting. Any way you can.” -Harriet Lerner
[Please note: The educational columnist is not a licensed mental health professional. The articles under this series are written from a peer to peer perspective.]
Sources:
2. Lerner, Harriet. Why Won’t You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts. 2017. Touchstone. ISBN 978-1-5011-2961-2
4. Ruttenberg, Danya. On Repentance and Repair: Making Amends in an Unapologetic World. 2022. Beacon Press. ISBN 978-08070-1051-8