Estrangement is a more complex topic than appears at surface level or to an outsider who has never felt its all-encompassing, far-reaching effects. It permeates every part of your being, complicating every relationship, including the one you have with yourself. I have been no-contact estranged from my family for close to 9 years but spent many of those earlier years torturing myself questioning my decision. Alternating between wanting so badly to be part of their lives again and belonging to a family, and then repeating to myself that no-contact was the best way to preserve my sanity, self-esteem, and peace. Once I was more confident in my decision, my focus shifted to what others (including friends, co-workers, and even strangers) would think once they became aware of my situation. The judgement led to many years of shame and silence, either nonchalantly changing the topic of conversation whenever asked a question about my family, or choosing to use vague, one-word answers when asked how they were.
Only recently have I been able to reflect on how my familial estrangement has really affected me. I used to think of myself as a caring and compassionate individual who could effortlessly sympathize with others, often expressing myself freely in order to develop connections. I can recall from my childhood, the assignment whereby students had to name characteristics they embodied that started with each letter of their first name. And I vividly recall using the word “empathetic” for one of the “e” letters in my name. I even decided very early on to embark on a career path that focused on helping others to improve their health and quality of life. But I have realized, over the years since my estrangement, that there has been a noticeable shift. While I still find helping others highly desirable, I have taken a step back from how willing I am to personally engage and share parts of myself with others. I have consciously decided to limit how much I reveal about myself in both the professional and personal setting. I have become hardened over time and have developed trust issues, even with my closest friends. I at times wonder if any of my relationships have the ability to progress beyond the superficial stage of daily chitchat.
There are even many days when I’ve questioned whether I am a “good person.” Whether someone who has been able to fully remove herself from her family as a form of self-preservation could still be considered kind, worthy, and capable of making good choices. Whether my inability to tolerate my family environment somehow sets me up for bad karma in the future.
And lastly, the feelings of insecurity and doubt that arise and are carried with you everywhere throughout life when you realize that the most stable relationships you should have had have fallen apart, will color every relationship you will ever have. I have created my own family, and I have and continue to work so hard to parent differently than what I experienced in childhood. However, in the back of my mind, there is always the nagging doubt that it could all end someday. That one day my children will choose to go no-contact with me. That I will have messed up in ways that are irreparable despite me silently yelling “do you know how hard I tried?!” And it’s hard not to believe that there is an invisible clock counting down until the day my children leave for college and never return. It causes me to hug them tighter, shield them from all challenges big and small, and in all honesty, “helicopter parent” as my husband likes to point out. It’s ingrained in my brain that this may be all the time I have with them and that I need to savor each moment.
As I type this, I realize that many people who have experienced estrangement have the same exact feelings. And what I hope for all of us this year, is to give ourselves grace and patience. Estrangement is complicated, messy, and chronic. It has the potential to cause destruction that can last for generations, but it also has the potential to start anew and break cycles. This year, as I enter another year of estrangement, I am wishing for all of us that strength and peace that we all deserve.
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