If you are facing estrangement, you are probably aware of the emotional damage that comes with it. Estrangement is never really a decision, even if you ‘chose’ to leave, but really did we have a choice?
It’s a decision many of us made because we could no longer tolerate the abuse, neglect, or invalidation we experienced with our families. We had to leave to survive and to rebuild a life that is healthy and full of unconditional love and growth. Of course, the pain and trauma does not just disappear. Often it lingers in the form of PTSD, hypervigilance, or challenges with building new and healthy relationships outside of old patterns that we grew up with.
The next step is how to process the trauma we have faced, release beliefs that no longer serve us, and move forward. This can look different for many people, but it often involves facing past memories to try and understand how they affect our present.
For me, I look back at the memories of my abuse and how it made me believe that I was only safe when I was by myself, that no one could be trusted. Now I can see I believed that because it helped me survive. To be in isolation meant that no one could hurt me. However, in the present, I have to work against that belief to allow people into my life. I have to teach myself that that belief I had as an adolescent may no longer be accurate. The healthy relationships I am building now are likely to not put me in danger. I have to work to allow myself to feel safe around others and be open to having (healthy) attachments to those in my life without the thoughts of “I’m better off alone” creeping in.
So what tools do we have to explore these old memories and release the traumatic beliefs they have formed? We’ll explore one option which is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR.
EMDR is a psychotherapy treatment designed to alleviate emotional distress from traumatic memories. Through reprocessing these memories, physiological arousal is reduced, negative beliefs are reformulated, and emotional distress is relieved. EMDR is heavily researched and considered an effective treatment for trauma and other disturbing experiences.
How EMDR works:
EMDR is an eight-phase treatment. Clinicians help determine which memory to target and they explore the memory with the patient. While holding different aspects of that event or thought, the patient uses bilateral stimulation (for example, eye movements) to process the memory and the challenging feelings that accompany it. EMDR focuses directly on the memory and works to change the way the distressing memory is stored in the brain, reducing the problematic symptoms associated.
Bilateral stimulation is when a stimulus is presented to both sides of the body. This can include music switching from one ear to the other, alternating taps or vibrations, or movement of the eyes side to side. The stimulus activates both sides of the brain, allowing processing of emotions, memories, and events that are ‘stuck’ in the nervous system. The bilateral stimulation can help clear those blockages so the patient can reprocess the memory. Using bilateral stimulation can also reduce the distress the patient feels while recalling the memory.
During EMDR therapy, the patient identifies three aspects:
The challenging memory and visuals of it
A negative belief about self due to this memory
The related feelings, body sensations, and emotions
The patient is also asked to identify a positive belief to refocus on during distressing events. During the exercise, the patient focuses on the traumatic or disturbing memory while engaging in bilateral stimulation, noticing what happens in their body and mind. They are then instructed to let their mind go blank and notice what emotions, thoughts, memories, etc. naturally appear in their mind. This will determine where the clinician will instruct them to go next. These steps are repeated several times. They can rate the intensity of the negative belief before and after the exercise to see how it changes.
During the therapy, it is normal to experience intense emotions like sadness, anxiety, anger, grief, but as additional information gets added to the memory, the distress will start to reduce. There are potential side effects similar to those of other psychotherapies. This can include an increase in distressing emotions, uncomfortable physical sensations, exhaustion, more vivid dreams, etc., but they are expected to decrease as the treatment process continues. This is a sign of the patient approaching their trauma and reprocessing their memories.
EMDR is well-suited for individuals who have experienced trauma of various forms. It can be from one single event or a series of accumulated negative experiences. Many of us in the estrangement community have experienced many traumas, including long-standing emotional neglect or abuse. EMDR can be helpful for those with PTSD, intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, nightmares, or other symptoms that disrupt our lives. EMDR is proven to be effective and time-efficient with seen improvement after only a few sessions.
EMDR is a great option for a tool to use in our healing. If you would like to learn more visit these websites:
American Psychological Association
EMDR Institute, Inc.
***Disclaimer: Em is not a certified mental health professional. This article is written as peer-to-peer support for the Together Estranged Community. If you are having a psychiatric emergency, please seek professional help.