This month, the advice columnist answers a question about getting ready to leave home, especially when you are low-income and disabled.
Q: My mother has been emotionally abusing me for my whole life. My brother and dad enable her. I'm moving out and away. I have little income and I'm disabled. What can I do?
A: Hi there, anonymous friend.
Thank you so much for writing in.
Often, in this column, I answer questions about the emotional side of estrangement — but today, I want to focus on the very practical, nuts-and-bolts side of things.
What, exactly, do you need to do so you can leave, and leave well?
Let’s make an action plan.
First: When are you moving out?
We know you’re planning to leave. It’s clear from your question that you’ve already decided — you are moving out and you are moving away.
So, when are you leaving? What are the ‘trigger conditions’ you have to meet, before you move out?
These might look like:
I am leaving on X date, no matter what.
I am leaving as soon as I have $___ saved up.
I am leaving once I’ve signed a lease for an apartment.
I will leave when I have friends in town, who can help me move.
The next time my mother/dad/brother does X thing, I’m leaving.
These conditions will be different, from situation to situation — what’s important is identifying which ones are relevant to you, because that sets the timeline and framework for the rest of your plan.
Second: How are you going to leave?
Once you know when you’re moving out, how can you do that in the best way possible?
When you tell your parents and brother that you’re going to move out, will you be having that conversation in the shared space where you live with them, or from a more neutral location (like a coffee shop)?Especially if you’re leaving from a shared, private space, I do want you to consider some safety plans. Knowing your family and their history, how do you think they will react when you tell them the news? Do you think they will try to physically block or restrain you from leaving? Will they try to stop you from bringing your things with you?
If these are things you have to worry about, what will make this safer?
Can you bring somebody with you, both to help you move out and to provide a ‘buffer’? How much can you pack and remove from your shared space in advance, so you don’t have to worry about bags and suitcases? Do you have access to a vehicle (your own, or someone who could come and pick you up)? How quickly can you leave, if you have to get out in a hurry? If you don’t have access to a vehicle, do you need to time your departure around the local bus or train schedule?
For my own estrangement, I made the safety decision to leave from a family therapist’s office. I had talked to my (very supportive) brothers about my plan, and we all agreed that our folks might try to bar the door or physically block me from walking out if I tried to leave the house. But the family therapist’s office was a more neutral location, and the therapist herself would be a witness to their behaviour — those factors made me safer.
I hope this safety plan feels like overkill — both in advance, and in the moment. I hope everyone behaves responsibly, civilly and within the bounds of human decency. But in a situation that you’ve already identified as abusive, it’s better to over-plan than under-plan when your well-being is on the line.
Third: What will you bring with you?
In some cases, when you move out and away, you’ll have all the time and resources you need to pack everything that’s important to you.
In other cases, you’ll have to ruthlessly prioritize.
If you only have limited space, or limited time, these are my suggestions for what to pack first (in order of importance):
Your government-issued ID (as many pieces of ID as you have access to).
Passport. Social security/social insurance card. Birth certificate. Driver’s license (or non-driver photo ID).
If you don’t have access to all of your ID, bring whatever you can get ahold of — the more pieces of ID you have, the easier it will be to get the missing ones re-issued later.
Your medications, prescriptions, mobility aids and accessibility devices.
If you can’t bring all of your healthcare supplies, narrow it down based on what you rely on most often, how cumbersome they are to pack and travel with, and how difficult/expensive they would be to replace.
Your health, education, employment, banking and tax records
High school/higher education transcripts and diplomas. Vaccination records. Disability documentation. Health insurance information. Pay stubs. Bank account details/void cheques. Previous years’ tax filings. Car registration documents, if relevant. Important government correspondence (e.g., related to immigration status, or confirming your eligibility for assistance programs)
These days especially, most of these records are available online — which is wonderful! And if you have a bit of lead time before you move out, making sure you have access to your online records and accounts is a great thing to do. But if you don’t have time (yet), or if you only have print copies available, pack those.
Your credit and debit cards, and whatever cash you have on hand.
Make sure, if your departure plan relies on being able to buy things in the short term (like a bus or train ticket, or a hotel room, or a temporary storage space rental), you have at least enough money, in cash or in an account that only you can access, to cover what you need to see this through.
Technology, and other expensive and hard-to-replace possessions
Phone and laptop (and all associated chargers) would be my key items in this category, but you might have others as well.
A couple days’ worth of clothes and sundries, suitable for the weather/time of year.
Whatever small, important treasures you would be devastated to lose.
This is an entirely personal decision: I packed the stuffed animal I’ve had since childhood, a bit of jewelry, letters from old friends, a few photos (though I wish I’d brought more), and a couple of my favourite books.
If you’ve got some time between ‘knowing you’re leaving’ and ‘actually leaving,’ moving some of these key items into a safe place that your family of origin can’t access is a great precaution. If you have a trusted friend who’s willing to store things at their house, that’s fantastic. If you have a car, you can put things in the trunk. And, especially for cash and documents, getting a safe-deposit box at your local bank or post office is always an option.
Again — whenever I give this kind of advice, I hope it’s overkill. But, since you’re going to need all of these things anyways, why not make sure that your access to them is completely under your own control?
Fourth: Before you leave, what do you need to do?
Estrangement — like almost any relationship change, or end — comes with an incredible amount of administrative faff; phone calls, documents and filling out forms.
The good news is, it’s very doable. There are processes that exist for this type of situation, and people who want to help you.
As you’re getting ready to handle the administrative side of estrangement, you’ll want to make the following lists:
What types of ID and official records do you need that you will not be able to bring with you?
To be clear, the ‘correct’ answer to this question (in a situation where the people around you have behaved with basic law-abiding and ethical decency) is zero. Your ID belongs to you. Your records belong to you. Other people are not allowed to keep those things from you. But, in case they do (or if you simply weren’t able to find something, or it went missing), let’s be prepared to get them replaced.
What (if anything) was your family paying for on your behalf, that you will now need to be paying for yourself?
What accounts do you share with your mother, dad or brother?
This could be a family phone plan, health insurance, or even a bank account that a parent helped you open when you were a kid.
In the home you share with them, are you on the lease? Are there conditions to breaking the lease?
Where do you have emergency contacts listed?
This could be your job, your healthcare provider, or even the emergency contacts list in your phone.
Who will need to know that you are moving to a different location?
Who will need to know that you are estranged?
Then, once you’ve made these lists, I want you to divide them into three categories:
Things I can take care of now.
Things I need to handle right before I leave.
Things I can only deal with after I leave.
For example, wherever you have emergency contacts listed, you should be able to change them to list a new contact person without alerting your mother, dad or brother.
But for some types of shared accounts (like a shared bank account), if you don’t want to alert your relatives about your plans, you may have to wait until the last possible moment before you leave to sort that out at the bank (though I’d recommend talking to the bank before that, if you can, so you can find out exactly what the process is and what you’ll need to do).
And other things, like address changes, may not make sense until you’re actually at that new physical address, or at least have reliable access to its mailbox.
Fifth: Who can help you leave?
If you’re in a situation where you don’t have much of a strong, local support system to draw on, it’s still (very) possible for you to get out of this situation and do it well.
But if you do have people in your corner, they can help make things a whole lot easier.
As I have often heard said: Community exists for a reason. Let it catch you when you need it. Catch others when you can.
Right now, it’s your turn to draw on whatever resources your community has to offer you.
So, let’s make another set of lists (are you seeing a theme yet? My version of estrangement involves a whole lot of lists. They really do help.)
What are the five most essential things you need right now, today?
What are the five most essential things you think you will need, on the day you leave home?
During the first few days and weeks after you’ve left?
During the first few months?
In general, going forward?
Coming up with five things for each of these lists is just a suggestion — you can absolutely put more or less, depending on what feels right for you. And you will probably have items that repeat, from list to list.
But when you’ve done that, I want you to take all these things you’ve written down and sort them into three broad categories:
Things I can (probably, or definitely) manage on my own
Things I might be able to manage on my own, but I’d appreciate help with
Things I cannot manage on my own, or would struggle to manage on my own, and will need help with.
For example, when I think back to the day I left home, here’s what my list would have looked like. I needed:
A place to keep my bags for a few hours (I might have been able to manage this on my own by finding a short-term storage rental, but it would have been difficult. I was very glad to have help)
A bus ticket out of the city (I could manage on my own)
Some friends and loved ones I could talk to, as an emotional ‘safe harbor’ on a difficult day (This was something I fundamentally could not do on my own; I needed other people to be there for me. And they were)
A ride from the bus terminal to the place I would be staying (This would have been nice to have help with, but because I didn’t have a local support person who could give me a ride, I managed on my own by taking a taxi)
A place to go, after I left home (I had this organized in advance, so I didn’t need any specific help with this on the day.
And once you’ve done that, you’ll be left with a very concrete, specific set of exactly what you most need help with, today and going forward.
That’s what you can bring to the people in your life, to ask them for help with some of these things. If they’re able to take one or two things off your plate (as a one-time favor, or on an ongoing basis), or lighten the burden on you, then that’s a big ‘win.’
But especially if you don’t have a strong support network to draw on right now, or if you need more help than the people in your life are able to give you at the moment, this is also a great time to get in touch with community programs and organizations to see what resources they have to offer.
In many areas of the United States and Canada, you can phone “211” and get connected to a directory of local resources that might be relevant to you. If you can’t reach 211, your local representative’s office or City Hall should also have this information, or will know who does.
If the programs exist in your area, and you’re eligible for them, use them in whatever ways they can make your life easier, better or safer — rental assistance, food banks, job search help, disability and caregiving support, etc.
Now, what?
Leaving a home, a family and/or a relationship almost never an easy thing to do: Not emotionally, and definitely not practically.
But it is absolutely possible.
You’ve already done the hardest part of this work — realizing that your mother has been abusing you and that your dad and brother enable her, deciding that you deserve a different future, and getting ready to make that happen on your own terms.
Hopefully, some of these lists and charts can help you take those infinitely worthwhile goals, and put them just a little bit more within reach.
Wishing you all the best,
Hila
Hila (any pronouns) is the Advice Columnist for the Together Estranged Newsletter. They have been happily estranged for a number of years, and now live with their chosen family and beloved, silly dog in rural Canada. They have a background in mental health, peer support, writing and journalism. Outside of work, Hila can be found recreating desserts from The Great British Bake Off, running on the beautiful trails near their home, singing show tunes, and learning to knit.
Please Note: The peer to peer Advice Columnist is not a licensed mental health professional; this is not medical advice. If you are in crisis or you think you may have an emergency, please go to your local urgent care center to talk to a professional counselor.
The views and opinions expressed by Advice Columnists are those of the Advice Columnists and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Together Estranged.