This month, the advice columnist answers a question about relatives who won’t accept the letter-writer’s decision to become estranged from abusive parents.
Q: I have been estranged from my abusive father and stepmother for 2 years now. After all this time, my stepsiblings don't understand how negatively their abuse has impacted me and now want me to apologize to my parents for "hurting their feelings." I don't want to cut my siblings out of my life but they won't talk to me unless I apologize. What should I do? It's really hard to let them go, but they are now enabling abuse.
A: Hi there, friend, and thanks for writing in.
For a lot of us in the estrangement community, when we start laying out our plans to leave a harmful or abusive family dynamic, we know there are going to be difficult moments ahead — but it’s the unexpected losses that tend to hurt the worst.
And that goes double when the unanticipated, painful responses come from people who we had really wanted to maintain a relationship with; maybe even people we had thought would stand by us and support our choices.
But here’s where I come back to a fundamental principle of how I think about estrangement and relationships, and how we as humans can be good ‘travelers through this world and lifetime together’ to one another:
You are allowed to leave a relationship at any time, for any reason. And so is everybody else.
I want to be really clear that this isn’t about drawing a false equivalency between your reasons for leaving the relationship with your abusive father and stepmother, and your stepsiblings’ reasons for leaving their relationship with you.
It’s important — vital — to get yourself free from abuse and mistreatment if and when you’re able to, and punishing somebody (or trying to punish them) for making the best decisions they can for their own safety and wellbeing is frankly a scummy thing to do.
But your stepsiblings have made it pretty clear that they don’t want to be in relationship with you right now (as in, they’re not talking to you), unless you do something that you’re not prepared to do (apologize for getting out of an abusive relationship).
And — whether the people who want to leave a relationship have good reasons, bad reasons, or no reasons at all — we don’t get to keep people in relationships they don’t want to be in.
So, what can you do?
You said you think part of the problem is that your stepsiblings don’t understand how negatively the abuse impacted you.
Have you told them everything you want them to know? If there are things you’d like your stepsiblings to hear from you, but you haven’t told them yet — or you have told them, but you think they’re not drawing the connections between the events that happened and how they impacted you — it might be worth taking a step back and laying that out for them, if only so you know you’ve said your piece.
But I also want to raise the possibility that your stepsiblings do understand, perfectly well, the ways you were abused and how that hurt you — and have still decided that preserving the “family harmony” or the (former) status quo matters more to them. I don’t think that’s a particularly kind way of setting priorities, but it is a common one.
You also said that it’s really hard to let your stepsiblings go, and you don’t want to cut them out of your life.
But you’re not cutting them out: They’ve made the decision not to talk to you — right now, they’re already gone. Of course it’s possible they could come back someday, but I’m afraid this ball is not in your court.
If you want to leave the door open to a relationship with your stepsiblings, you can do that.
You can tell them: “I’m not going to apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. I’m not going to apologize for protecting my safety and well-being. I love you, and I miss you, and I don’t want to lose you. I’ll be here and ready to talk whenever you are.”
I hope they take you up on that, and you’re able to rebuild a strong, supportive and meaningful relationship with them — someday. But that’s not going to happen until, and unless, they decide they’re ready to meet you where you are, with the recognition that your life, health and well-being are immeasurably valuable.
Until then, all you can do is keep loving them from the distance they’ve decided they’re going to take right now, and surround yourself with people who don’t think that enduring abuse or apologetically returning to relationships that hurt you is a prerequisite for being in their lives.
Wishing you all the best,
Hila
Hila (any pronouns) is the Advice Columnist for the Together Estranged Newsletter. They have been happily estranged for a number of years, and now live with their chosen family and beloved, silly dog in rural Canada. They have a background in mental health, peer support, writing and journalism. Outside of work, Hila can be found recreating desserts from The Great British Bake Off, running on the beautiful trails near their home, singing show tunes, and learning to knit.
Please Note: The peer to peer Advice Columnist is not a licensed mental health professional; this is not medical advice. If you are in crisis or you think you may have an emergency, please go to your local urgent care center to talk to a professional counselor.
The views and opinions expressed by Advice Columnists are those of the Advice Columnists and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Together Estranged.