TOGETHER ESTRANGED

To give you an example of how this works in practice, here is how Julia used this model to decide whether to attend a family wedding.

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Need: If I’m going to go to this wedding, I need to know if my estranged relatives are planning to attend (because, if I’d been left guessing up until the day-of, I would have been absolutely miserable). I need to be able to quietly duck out, if it gets to be too much for me (so, that means I’m not available for any sort of additional ‘helping out’ duties that mean I have to be available and in the room all night). I need to not be seated at the same table as them.

 

Want: I want to attend the wedding in person. I want to celebrate the happy couple, meet the new extended family, eat good food and dance the night away. I want my presence at the wedding to be a nice thing for the newlyweds, and not an extra source of stress. I want my estranged relatives to leave me alone, and I want to leave them alone.

 

Will: I am willing to be in the same room as my estranged relatives (I’d rather not be, but attending the wedding is more important to me). I am willing to not make a scene, even if I’m provoked. I am willing to not attend the wedding, if my presence would be stressful for the couple.

 

Won’t: I won’t reconcile with my estranged relatives, or pretend to reconcile, for the purpose of the wedding. I won’t have any more contact or conversation with them than I absolutely have to.

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