Studies and discussions with estranged adult children (EAC) reveal that there is no one single reason for estrangement. It is the culmination of multiple factors and ongoing, unchanging patterns of harmful and/or dysfunctional behaviors. Several articles within TE’s educational series discuss these studies and factors, including this one. 

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One of those studies, and one that is frequently cited within the body of research on estrangement, explored factors cited by both estranged parents and estranged adult children. That study, and others that have come after it, have consistently found that estranged parents predominantly cite external factors for the estrangement while estranged adult children cite internal relationship factors. 

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The number one factor cited by estranged parents: 
Objectionable relationships (28%): Relationships including spouses, dating partners, in-laws, stepparents or other individuals outside the family including social media and therapists

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The number one factor cited by estranged adult children:
Toxicity (22.4%): Continuous situations of hurtfulness, anger, cruelty or disrespect
The second most cited factor by EAC was “unsupported/unaccepted” (14.8%) which was defined as feeling judged, unloved or unaccepted often as a result of divergent values.

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“For many parents, estrangement was the result of external circumstances; if absent, estrangement would likely have not occurred. In contrast, children cited significantly more intrapersonal reasons for their estrangement, signifying that children viewed their reason for estrangement as a consequence of the characteristics of their parents; an unfortunate but inevitable ending, barring significant personality changes.”

(Source: Carr, Kristen, et al, "Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Comparing Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Non-matched Sample" (2015). Journal of Family Communications.DOI: 10.1080/15267431.2015.1013106)

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A more recent study (2022) that specifically focused on estranged mothers supports the body of earlier findings whereby they consistently focus on external vs relational factors: 

• 78.1% of mothers believed other family members - of that number the highest percentage (50.4%) attributed the estrangement to the adult child’s spouse/partner. 

• Only 18% believed that their own issues, including physically, emotionally abusive or neglectful behavior contributed to the estrangement.

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It was found that, “These mothers tended to endorse external attributions for estrangement, including family members’ turning the child against them…Mothers were less likely to endorse internal attributions for estrangement compared with external attributions or to validate their children’s complaints about abuse or neglect.” 

(Source: Schoppe-Sullivan, S. J., Coleman, J., Wang, J., & Yan, J. J. (2021, September 16). Mothers’ Attributions for Estrangement From Their Adult Children. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000198)